Hell

I have lost the will to blog.

In a short time, things have gone to hell.   Really bad days, not so bad days, all in the shadow of depression.  Lots of happenings in the personal field too. Finding old friends that were disappointed in me and me getting disappointed in others. Fixing things, fighting legal battles.  Trying to be assertive and not lose my screws completely.   I talked to Sally on the 28th and got my medication adjusted. She told me about this man with major depression who finally got sucessful with farmacotherapy, and continued to take the pills for almost 10 years.   Life was perfect.  However, it’s not a holiday to have to take several pills everyday just to keep your normal functioning.  He decided 10 years was a lot, and probably his problem was in the past by now.  He stopped.  

Hell ensued.

Oh, and also, now I have a personality disorder as a side course to go with the depression which is the main one.   I suspected it before but never took it seriously.

Yes, Avoidant Personality Disorder.  It’s official now.

In a Bubble

Things are not particularly good.  But this time I have a lot more support than I did before.  My family is aware of the situation and they are trying to take care of me, they keep me fed and safe and loved.  I’ve made sure I stay off work while I recover.  I’ve created new bonds that are very valuable.  I’ve learned more things that help my mind deal with everything.  

This is not a milder depression, I just have more tools to deal with it.  I wonder if this is it.  I am alive and well after all.  But my ambitions and everything inside of me are still boiling.  A bigger social support only means that I’ll have a better time when depressed than I did when I was completely alone, isolated from everything and confused.  

What kind of behaviour am I reinforcing if whenever I’m depressed people come in my aid? That sounds like an evil and indulging kind of therapy.  

I’m not trying to be this person that is just not happy with anything; if people reject me, then everything sucks and if people accept me everything still sucks. I just value some things like independence.   I don’t want to lose it.  I don’t want to survive if that means I’ll have to depend on someone else to stay safe.  I don’t want to get addicted to being taken care of.

Edit: Now I just realized that I sound like a brat.

Edit2: 40000 pageviews! yay!

My eyes are made of chocolate

Mmm yummy.  Dark chocolate… I hope nobody thinks of poking them out to see if there’s really chocolate inside them.   But yes… chocolate.   

So, hello everyone! I haven’t posted in a long while.  Lots of things have happened.   For any new readers, I’m a 22 year old Colombian girl who likes to think and write in English who suffers from Chronic Depressive Disorder since she was 16.  (breaking the third person!)  I was about to graduate as a general doctor but then the illness got in the way and punched me to the ground, so I got to stay at home, which is far from a holiday.

Anyway, it seems like the new meds are finally working!  Like really working, not just making me survive…  No wait.  They WERE working during december.  My family started saying I was starting to act more like myself.   Myself: Chatty Nerdy Clumpsy Sweet Funny thing apparently.   I started waking up early and showering and getting dressed.   (Downside: I got away from blogging, but yea, I’m back.)

But then I ran out of meds, and when I went to get my prescription filled, they gave me some generic crap and there was NO way to get the real Seroquel or Paroxetine.  People sometimes have problems with generics, but I thought I would be careful and pay attention… but…

It seems like generic crap was crap after all.   I am glad that I survived holidays, but things reversed a little:  it’s a little hard to wake up, I haven’t been eating much, my detailed dreams are back (they were gone when I was “better”, and yes there is evidence linking depression and increase in REM sleep where detailed live dreams usually happen).  I have also been irritable as hell.  But funnily enough, when I AM awake, I can barely sit still and yesterday and today I have been more chatty than usual, and I can’t stop, I can’t! I get laughing fits and I’ve been talking to strangers and even hugging people.  

Weird.

This weekend was my grandmother’s 89 Birthday! She is almost NINETY years old! I’m 22… but I feel old most of the times, because I haven’t been any older to compare, and when I become older, then I will be the oldest I’ve ever been so far anyway.  So I’ll never know.  But I do feel old, because I never know what is going to happen in the future.  Sure I have these plans of graduating, and sending myself to Australia and then visit every other part of the world.  I also want to learn German and become a genious in some area like molecular biology someday.  But on a day to day basis, most of the times I’m not quite sure I’m going to make it to the next day.  Will I see my 23rd birthday? or will something get in the way.  Even if I don’t get suicidal again, will a truck run over me?

I know nobody knows these things, especially me the eternal skeptic.  It’s just that my mind is focused on that, and yours isn’t.  If I ever turn NINETY, I sure as hell will throw a party for everyone I know! because, wow! NINETY.  That is of course if I’m not demential by then.  But still, demented people can appreciate a party, no?

Well if I was bipolar, which I’m not, I would say I’m a little bit hypomanic with a changing mood that goes from irritable and tearful to jumpy and chatty whitin the same day.  I’m all over the place.  But no, I’m not bipolar, so this must be some sort of sugar rush.  Except that I haven’t had any sugar today.  Maybe it’s lack of sugar then.  I think maybe it’s just me.  Or maybe it’s the dogs.  I have three now and they are driving me and each other crazy.

Well I’ll try to keep posting.  If I don’t get run over by a truck that is.  Or if I don’t choke on a chicken bone.  Or if my aorta doesn’t sprout an aneurysm that pops open like it happened to Einstein (I just found that out yesterday).  Aneurysm… that’s gotta hurt.

I think I’ll wait another year

Taken from Sulz

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

• I took the IELTS!
• I read a book in English (a physical book as opposed to ebooks, thanks sulz.)
• I bought boots!
• I had my first celebrity crush ever.
• I went to a high school reunion and killed many ghosts.

2. Did you keep your New Year resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I attempted to make resolutions for the first time when 2008 started.  It didn’t work at all.  I guess I’m not that kind of person.  I won’t play that game anymore.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

• My friend Abby did! Just before the year ended!
• My dog Zeus had 10 beautiful babies and I kept the cutest one.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

• Heath Ledger.  Wait he probably doesn’t count.  Except he does.
• My 1 year old bird was eaten by my puppy. 

5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
I want to graduate.  I want my depression to get cured.

6. What countries did you visit?
I haven’t been abroad yet.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
August – September – October = worst relapse of depression.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being alive on Jan 1st this year.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not finishing my internship.  Watching lots of people graduate before me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just mental illness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

• My boots for my birthday.
• Lots of coke

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The people who stuck with me and made me smile.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Nobody in particular.  

14. Where did most of your money go?
I don’t know if I can call anything “my money”. I don’t work.  I don’t spend much either.  I have been trying to get myself some clothes but I haven’t found any that I like.  If I do, that would be the most money, but then that wouldn’t be in 2008.  I spent a lot in my boots (apart from that I always wore cheap shoes and those I borrowed from my mom).  Hmm, I guess coke? food? I spent a little bit in alcohol in the last few days…  Again, nothing is “my money”.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

• Reading several books at the same time about atheism and evolutionary biology.
• Watching “The Dark Knight” in English… looking up things about Heath Ledger… 

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
“Who Killed Amanda Palmer” The album.

I can choose a song: Oasis. Because it’s fun and catchy.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

I am a lot stronger.  I am older and wiser.   

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I don’t know… jogging in the mornings?

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I don’t know.

20. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Past: I stayed with my family until 2 am, then got a call from a friend and got drunk.

21. How would you sum up your 2008 in one word?
Eventful.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I don’t think so.

23. How many one-night stands?
I… kissed two strangers.  Didn’t go beyond that.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Friends.  I have been watching it again… It’s excellent.  Never gets old.  I love Chandler.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I hate you.

Haha.

26. What was the best book you read?
Can’t decide.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmm, no. That was in 2007 with the dresden dolls.

28. What did you want and get?
Coke.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
This one is easy.  The Dark Knight.  :D

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
I stayed home and had nice things to eat.  I turned twenty-two.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I was graduated.  Then I wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore and I could get ready to go to Australia.

32. What kept you sane?
When I lost all hope, I had people who didn’t let me go.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
 

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

• I got really interested in the US elections and my favorite won.
• Colombian politics though… don’t get me started.  It makes me angry.  Corruption, people die, etc.

35. Whom did you miss?
Somebody who sleeps while I’m awake and viceversa.  :(

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My dear Satoru.  Of course I didn’t really “meet” Satoru.  But it doesn’t matter.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
That I am strong.  That it is not that important to be a doctor at age 21 if it’s going to make me miserable.

 

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Plus i’m only twenty-six years old (twenty-two)
My grandma died at eighty-three (she is alive at 89)
That’s lots of time if i don’t smoke
I think i’ll wait another year

Another year – Amanda Palmer.   No need to rush things right? It can wait another year.   That’s for you… YOU… Seize-the-day freaks!

2009

Holidays:  Not as bad as I feared.

2008 was… eventful.