No name

I woke up today at 5 am.  I finally had a full night of sleep and full color dreams.

I was dreaming that I was in a medical mission that was at the same time a military mission, it required us to go through the jungle and avoid being shot.  It is a long thing, but the thing that stands above all was how difficult it was to move.  I didn’t realize I was dreaming, I just blamed my bad physical shape. I could barely breathe.

I woke up fine.  It is a feeling I haven’t had in weeks.  To feel “fine”.  It is surprising especially after yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day in all ways.  The climax of depression, the opposite perhaps.  The suicidal thoughts racing through my head.  The feeling that I had finally crossed an invisible line I had not crossed before.  I cannot stand my own house.  I made myself go out and see a friend.  It made it all worse.  I felt dead, non reactive, like someone could have beaten me to death with a stick and nothing would change (it is funny, almost).  I thought about taking a bus and getting off it in a place where nobody could find me.  I had so many ideas and the incipient urge of putting them all into practice.  Disgust, apathy, loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and my body wouldn’t even show it.  I could not talk.  I didn’t feel like I was in my body anymore.  I was dissociating.

I did take a bus but after a 40 minute ride I decided against it.  I was exhausted.  I went back.  I took half a pill of olanzapine and curled up in my bed instead.

I am still not sure it is all worth it.