Not moving too much anyway

Sleep Paralysis

It’s almost 4 am.  This weird sleep pattern has stayed no matter what I do about it.  I try waking up early, but then I’m sleepy all day, and when the night approaches I’m magically wide awake and I can’t sleep.  The next day I am incredibly tired and I fall unconscious on my bed despite my mom’s attempts to keep me awake in the mornings.   Of course then in the nights I won’t be sleepy either, and it keeps going on.

In my whole life, I never had any difficulty about falling asleep.  I am hypersommniac by definition okay? Insomnia is a whole new world and I really don’t like it.

Last night I also had a really bad episode of sleep paralysis.  Have you ever had anything like this?

Here’s how it went last night:

First I was dreaming, that I was talking on the phone to someone I know, while sitting in a version of my computer room with red walls instead of the cream color they have in real life.  I was distressed because I had my phone tightly held on my ear and couldn’t understand what he was saying.  There was too much noise near me like kids with flashy toys and clowns talking, and electronic stuff on, video games, different tunes of music, everything going on at the same time and it was driving me nuts.  So, I told the person in the phone “I need to get out of here”.   I then walked into my room, that was very dark despite me turning the lights on (this happens very often in my dreams), and I sat on my bed (the night before in real life I had changed the position of my bed but in my dream it was the way it used to be, not the updated one).  I lied on my back, and then out of a sudden, a sense of pure terror got a hold on me and I started screaming on the phone like I have never imagined someone could scream.

Next thing I know, the bed turned 45º(to match the updated position, the real one), and I didn’t have a phone anymore.  I felt the dog sleeping on my feet, and… that’s when I realised I was awake!   Well, partially awake as my mind was up, but my body was still paralyzed.   This is an incredibly horrifying experience -I’ve had it twice in the past.  My mom has episodes like these all the time and it seems to run in her family too -except my uncles tend to blame it on supernatural causes like demons revealing themselves and not on medical, rational reasons.

You know how when you are asleep, you can dream that you’re running a marathon but your body normally will not actually get up and run?  Well this happens because during sleep, the brain shuts off the skeletal muscles.  When this fails you get somnambulism.  But it usually should work fine.  Lets go back to wikipedia:

Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger, Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations.   The paralysis can last from several seconds to several minutes “after which the individual may experience panic symptoms and the realization that the distorted perceptions were false”

To be honest, I have no idea if my eyes were actually open at this point, but I could see faint objects in my room.  I could sense that it was raining.  I knew the dog was on my feet.  Then, I saw the door was half open.  And there it was, a figure there, standing outside.  I couldn’t tell what it was, but in my head it was there and I don’t think anything has terrified me more as I knew I was completely paralysed.  Unable to escape, I started screaming again but I couldn’t move at all and my throat muscles wouldn’t move either.  I was screaming on top of my lungs somewhere inside, but it was impossible for me to make my body actually do it.

Then I started to take brief journeys back into the dream (the only place where I could move) and then out again.  In the dream I could sit on my bed and scream on top of my lungs at the sight of the dark creature that luckily, didn’t seem to be moving towards me or anything.  However, I couldn’t scream all the time, it was like my screams were a gun that needed reloading.  So while I was “reloading” I woke up again, and I still couldn’t move.  My heart was racing and I hated the fact that I couldn’t produce the slightest sound or movement that I’m sure would wake my dog up and he would touch me and with his touch I would regain my muscle control (I was very aware that I was experiencing sleep paralysis because of my mom and my past experiences, however that didn’t make it any less horrible).

This took a while of going back in and out of the dream, I kept going in because I really needed to scream.  Then finally, for some reason, I was able to take control of my muscles in reality.  It lasted much longer than it should.  I started sobbing and I couldn’t really move well yet.

Worse, the dark creature was still standing there.  My dog heard my sobbing and came with me.

I went completely into the covers whenever I managed to do it, and I really would have wanted to turn the light switch on but it is located near the door and it would mean closer contact with the dark thing.  I couldn’t stop sobbing and I was starting to get angry because I was already awake and I couldn’t shake it off.  It didn’t seem to end.  Nobody heard me because the only person anywhere close to my room is my brother and he doesn’t respond to anything when he sleeps.  But eventually it happened; slowly I came to my senses, and when I finally calmed down I realised the figure thing was caused by a shadow outside the door that happens because of the way the window filters the moonlight.  It was actually raining but the shadow was there anyway.  A very natural thing and not scary at all.  (So I guess I did have my eyes opened because there was a source for the hallucinations.  It freaks me out to imagine myself lying there paralysed in the dark with my eyes opened and probably a horrible frightened face.)

I was very sleepy, but very scared of falling asleep again.  See, now full consciousness was the only thing keeping me in the real world.  By falling asleep, consciousness would slip away and terror would set in.  I knew it would come back, It was like a monster waiting me in the entry.  I wanted to sleep but whenever I approached the “sleep” door, the monster stopped me and sent me back to consciousness, which I appreciated very much because I would have hated to get caught again.

Somehow I fell asleep about 1 hour later.  I woke up at 1 pm.  I can remember everything about it.  It is still very vivid and terrifying in my head.  Just writing the words brought a chill down my spine.

Live and Let: Atheism Part 2

Hi! I made a post a few days ago which was basically about how I became an atheist after being raised in a place where Theism and specifically Catholicism are so spread that they are the default option.  This default option is considered to be the best or at least the most harmless one while atheism or agnosticism are considered deviations from the norm and should be justified if professed.

In my last post I considered my de-conversion as a relatively easy happening. It only took a little bit of the scientist nature that is somewhere in every human, a little more of thinking outside the box – that was facilitated by the fact that I was an outcast from the beginning-, some anti authoritarian way of thinking, and the chain of reactions was set. Now, if the formula for de-conversion can be achieved so easily (it seems), then what is keeping other people from discovering it, even by accident?

Faith

In The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, he writes about this spectrum of possibilities about human’s approach on the subject of God.

Strong theist. 100 per cent probability of God. In the words of C. G. Jung, ‘I do not believe, I know.’

Very high probability but short of 100 per cent. De facto theist. ‘I cannot know for certain, but strongly believe in God and live my life on the assumption that he is there.’

Higher than 50 per cent but not very high. Technically agnostic but leaning towards theism. ‘I am very uncertain, but I am inclined to believe in God.’

Exactly 50 per cent. Completely impartial agnostic. ‘God’s existence and non-existence are exactly equiprobable.’

Lower than 50 per cent but not very low. Technically agnostic but leaning towards atheism. ‘I don’t know whether God exists but I’m inclined to be sceptical.’

Very low probability, but short of zero. De facto atheist. ‘I cannot know for certain but I think God is very improbable, and I live my life on the assumption that he is not there.’

Strong atheist. ‘I know there is no God, with the same conviction as Jung “knows” there is one.’

In the biggest monotheistic religions, like Christianism, there’s no room for doubt. This is one of the most amazing tricks religion has to offer, as humans are always eager to ask questions, and try to discover how everything works. But no, religion demands their followers to be a 1, regardless of what they really believe in. Now, how many people are really a 1? I mean if they really allowed themselves to break out of the “faith” thing for a second, it is only natural that they start considering other points of view until they find their own. Then they might still decide to believe in a god, but more as a 2. At least a 2 would be open to the idea that other people might not believe in what they believe. It’s a big step really. It is not what people believe in what concerns me the most, but what they think they know, as the latter is potentially dangerous – of course being a 2 also comes with its own dangers as I’ll explain later.

Unfortunately, the thing that is keeping people in the 1 category is faith. This faith is the single most valuable thing one can have as a religious person. From what I know about Catholicism, there are hundreds and hundreds of tales about the value of faith, and how people with total and absolute belief in something for which there’s no real reason to believe in, are greatly rewarded.

When you are a 1, you are not likely to consider other ideas on the subject of god than your own, not even by accident – even if you like asking questions and following scientific methods in other areas. You won’t consider them because whenever you see them you are supposed to pretend you didn’t, immediately assume the ideas and the producer of the ideas to be wrong, and finally shrug the off as “temptation” and go back to your world of faith feeling very happy about your “strength”. Really, there’s no other way to stay a 1, being such an absolute position as it is.

Now, you’re going to say that most people you meet are not really that radical, I give you that. Maybe you’re a religious person who is also “cool” about other people having different ideas. You probably agreed with me in my last post when I mentioned the live and let live part. You’re not preaching or threatening other people, you simply hold your own set of beliefs and you’re entitled to have them, and other people are entitled to have theirs, and so on, and we all live happily.

Well, yeah, sure. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The problem here is that the demonization of atheism and agnosticism caused by faith and the ones who follow has a higher impact than that. For whatever reason, even if you’re not a strong religious person, you will still consider religion to be it a much safer and convenient way. After all, they’re threatening you with eternal damnation. Atheists on the other hand are not threatening you. So where will you go? Fear is one of the strongest motivators you will ever have. Of course then, to avoid cognitive dissonance, you will make yourself believe that there’s a higher reason, that after all it is your faith. Of course, other people can do whatever they want, but this is what you believe in. Right?

I wonder how many religious people have actually thought it through and not just followed the easier path that is laid there for pretty much everyone since they’re born. Going to the other side looks dangerous, demonic and evil after all. So, yes, the majority of religious people are probably not fundamentalist. But they don’t need to. A path has been set, and the rest have followed this way for so long, that now it is a very well carved road that now nobody even has to walk along, as they can just slide. I think for the most part humans really have good intentions. Most people probably don’t want any bad things to happen, they want everyone to get along – ok, maybe if everyone joined their faith it would be better, but if they don’t then that’s fine too. Everyone is happy. Or are they?

I think our biggest fault is to be too naive – both religious and non religious people. We want to follow our beliefs easily, without really wanting to consider the impact this passiveness has on everything.Withdrawing oneself from it all is not such an innocent position as you might think it is.

To be continued…

She killed her! Why?

Have you heard that story about the woman at her mother’s funeral? Apparently it’s very famous and all, but if you haven’t heard it the more fun this will be for you.

Here it is:

A woman attends her mother’s funeral. There she meets a man whom she has never met before. She identifies him as the man of her dreams and immediately falls in love.  However, she never asks for his number or his name.

Some time later she kills her sister.

Why?

You have all the elements to answer it, you don’t have to elaborate complex theories.  Just say what you think happened and LATER look up the answer.  Don’t cheat.  I want to read your hypothesis before you find out the truth.

Note: If you HAVE heard it, there’s no acceptable reason for you to come here and post “Ahh old riddle, the answer is obviously —-, you’re an idiot and live under a rock, everyone knows this one.“.  The fun is ruined for you already you bitter person, stay away from the rest.

For the answer as it was planned when the riddle was formulated, turn the page…

Live and Let: Atheism Part 1

Life:  Still insomniac.

Mood: Not too shabby.

Mind:  Thinking about this:

If you have been following my blog for a bit, you already know that I’m an Atheist.  How I got here? Well, it goes something like this:

I was born with no religious beliefs obviously.  Fast forward to the age of three months and I was officially a Catholic.  How? Somebody poured water on my head when I was trying to take a nap while sucking on my thumb and a bunch of adults around me were really happy for some reason.  I cried.

So nothing changed much; as I was growing up, it was part of life.  People get a shower and get dressed everyday, eat something called breakfast and go to school.  It’s what people do.  Oh, they also pray in school… it just happens.  EVERYWHERE.  You don’t talk about it because you don’t even know it’s there.  Sundays at church = a nice visit to grandma while looking at a rather impressive building with lots of shiny things to get distracted with.  After a session of sitting, standing and kneeling (kind of a dance, but much much slower and quieter), adults ate something that seemed to be made of sugar. I always wanted this but I couldn’t get it.  They said I didn’t need it.  I shrugged.

As consciousness increased, questions arose slowly and randomly.  Part of exploration of a mind in the making of course.   Some questions had interesting answers:  “Are we inside Earth?” – “No we’re on the surface.” – “Wow!”.    But some questions made adults produce answers that sounded like they had no idea about anything:

“Why am I supposed to pray out loud? If God knows everything then he can read my mind and know what I want and if I’m really sorry and if I’m up to something…  And he can stop it.  So I really, really don’t have to do anything!” – I said happily.  “You have to pray.” – They said.  “Why?” – I kept pushing my luck. “Well” – they said, kind of irritated – “You don’t really ask why.  It just is.  We all do it and so should you.”

It just is…

It just is…

Okay… well.  I was not a confrontational person.  But a seed was planted.  Soon more seeds were planted too.  And once they started growing, there was no way back.  I did this in secret while telling the other side of my mind that I wasn’t really serious, that this was just me being a scientist.  But the deluded part of my mind kept getting weaker until one day I looked down and saw it – very small, green and insecure – and realized I didn’t have to justify myself to it anymore.

Getting to this point took years.  After all, a deep sea of delusion was surrounding me.  But I was already used to be the weird one, so what the hell, this is just something else.  During high school it became stronger, and I felt more comfortable in my unique world, and as a young teenager I even had fun with it.  Eating a good meaty hamburger in front of the most catholic classmates during lent on a Friday made them nuts.  Asking lots of questions I already knew would bother them, using of course my very innocent face.  Being told I was going to hell if I didn’t change my ways.  Hm, okay.

This rather fun way went on for years too.  I was an atheist, but it was my own fun and free world that most people had no access to.  It removed the limits for my curiosity about everything which was an advantage.  It spared me from many fears people seemed to have about seemingly harmless things.  Perfect.  I wouldn’t get in their way unless it was for my own amusement.

So I admit it: It was not too hard for me to become an Atheist.  At least I don’t remember it like that. It sort of happened.  Despite the high levels of religious beliefs in Latin American countries like Colombia, I never had problems with my parents (they easily gave in to the idea of atheism like it had been something that just hadn’t crossed their minds before), I kept it from my grandmother with no effort, and I was already weird enough in school on my own; I didn’t blame atheism for it.

I love the Internet.  This is the first time I discovered I wasn’t the only weird one.  Turns out, many intelligent people had asked similar questions.  I found people who went through hell to get out of the delusion and were now all over the place, discussing it, trying to make people see what they see and the whole subject made a big part of their lives.  I also found people who had it easy because they never had religion imposed on them, they didn’t think much about religious people and if they did they soon shrugged and went back to their business.  I found real agnostics.  I wondered whether I was one.  I reasoned that the natural degree of passion about atheism was somewhat related to how hard was it for you to get there.  So yes, some people are religious, I’m not.  That’s all.  Live and let live right?  If I’m asking people not to impose ideas on me, then the least I can do is not do it myself.

To be continued…

Live and Let: Atheism part 2.

So cute it kills you

Okay this is a random post but I was randomly googling.  One thing led to another.  I found this.

This little unbelievable cute puffer is supposed to be the 2nd most poisonous creature in the world.

So next thing I know I’m googling to find out which one is the 1st.

The first is actually a Colombian frog!  I knew we had poisonous frogs, but I didn’t really *know*, I hope I run into one someday… heh.  They are beautiful.

Yep.  Random. And now it ends.