Distorted Darkness

Life continues being good. There’s a little shiver in my spine telling me that when I go back into stress, life won’t be so good anymore. And a bigger shiver all over my body making me aware that if it happens, maybe… what?, will I never deal with anything big and stressful anymore? No way, I have so many plans… I can’t quit and move to the country to watch clouds all day eternally.

I’ll waiiit… and I’ll sit and watch the clouds as they go by…

Luckily, another part of my mind keeps trying to balance the thing, and the result these days is that everything has definitely been good. Extremely good, I could say.

It is funny that when I feel the least depressed, it’s when I truly become aware that my depression has been real all the time. This is not an epiphany, I’ve thought this before, I’ve reasoned about this a million times. Unfortunately, logic seems to vanish into the fog when depression covers you with it’s dark, thick, and eternal shapeless material (<<haha yay for dramatic effect). Then all you see is distorted by this; every single experience, good or bad is viewed through its lens, and if you’re unlucky enough to still be aware, you will most likely get to the point where you can’t tell what’s real and whatsnot.

In the point of confusion, you also become pretty susceptible to any argument pointing to one or the other direction; and especially gullible to those who “confirm” how much of a faker you are, and how flawed and horrible you are.

I was recently struck with an image a friend created and published, not sure if it’s directed at me or not and that’s not really relevant at the moment. The image used to be posted here, but I couln’t keep it (person later pulled the card of “copyrights” to make me take it off). Anyway, I can describe it for you: it was one of those “demotivational posters” you see on the web; it was illustrated with a box reading “Suicide booth”, with the tags “in use” in bright letters. The message below was “DEPRESSION” and in smaller print “Because there is always a solution to the lack of guts”.

Well, I’m aware these popular demotivational cards tend to be harsh and are not to be taken seriously because, frankly, the original ones are absolutely hilarious. I’m sure you have seen a few already al around the web. Maybe even made one.

If not, click on the image above to see a bunch. Enjoy.

Anyway, my friends demotivational card just helps me point out how people usually view depression: as a character flaw.

I believe that any reader that has been dealing with any sort of mental disorder that is accompanied with a big sense of introspection, will recognize the mental fight of “Is there something really affecting me?, or am I just flawed, weak, and broken?

Easy prey of stigma and judgement from other people.

After all, there’s no Gold Standard to precisely diagnose a mental disorder. What makes one think they’re not mere illusions for the confort of weak minds? or an excuse to justify erratic behaviour?

I know it’s pointless to pretend that, when I rant about how little people understand mental illnesses, I will make them automatically know what I mean, empathize with me and end the conversation with a big emotional moment with crying, hugs, apologies and indulgence. I also don’t mean to consider myself a misunderstood victim, part of a misunderstood group of crazies with varying degrees of severity. I just think that the mind and its disorders are so personal, so different from each other, and the limits so blurry, that you just have to be there to know what it feels. Only you know, so it makes sense that you don’t allow any other person to judge whether what you’re feeling is real or not, even if you can’t quite tell yourself.

I know that when I was much younger and very sane and innocent, I used to think suicide was the most stupid thing in the world, and that crazy people were scary and always “other people”. If I had not experienced what I’ve experienced with depression, I’d probably stick with that idea.

I don’t mean I should also experience schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in order to understand people who suffer from this. All I’m saying is that I hope that my blink of experience helps me not to do the same with other people. To be more open and not judge the millions of different paths a mind can take, no matter that I can’t really put myself in their shoes.

Among med students, psychiatry has a pretty bad reputation. It’s seen as a “pseudoscience” and the psychiatrists are seen as “the doctors of the nonexistent diseases”. Also, it’s said you have to be crazy to become one. It’s an example of how little understanding of mental disorders there is, and we’re talking about a supposedly well educated community of people.

However, I agree that you might be better suited for the job if you have suffered or someone close to you has suffered a mental illness. Because I believe it would be a little difficult to empathize with your patients, or even be interested on them if you have no idea of what it is like; and worst, if you don’t believe that what they’re going through is very real in their minds and affects all areas of their lives. Books are one thing. Books are not enough. Maybe that’s the problem with the current mental health workers I’ve had to deal with; maybe they went into this discipline because someone told them they should, or because they ran out of options, or whatever other stupid reason.

Alright everyone, the loooong blah blah blah is finally over. I’m not sure if I made any point at all, or I just spitted my mind out and made no sense.

Oh well, take care.