Sleeping with the enemy.

Yes yes yes, this blog couldn’t be more ruined already, so it doesn’t matter what comes next, does it? I’m shameless now.

Thought it can’t be all about self pity. This crazy person needs a break. Just to clear some things out.

No matter what you say, or what arguments you use that I can’t fight back sometimes (that goes to my own head too)… I am not a weak person, I am not a pathetic girl who is scared of everything and makes a big deal of everything.

I just have this thing, and I’m not entirely sure what goes wrong inside my brain, not because I haven’t read everything about it, but because it’s probably not known by humans yet. We have to wait and see. It’s probably like having the flu at the time microorganisms were unknown, like “why the fuck do you cough so much?!”… “ehh, I don’t know, I just do it”.

It’s not that I’m a victim of something either, I just have a disease, that’s all. It’s like being epileptic. Listen to me. I can’t control my seizures. Stop telling me to control my own seizures… Actually, it’s more like an autoimmune disease. Tell a person with Lupus: “dude, just tell your cells to stop attacking your other cells! They’re like, your own cells, just order them to stop, duh”

And I just felt guilty about it because I have a super woman complex. I think I should be able to do it all, control it all, know it all.

But I can’t, alright?. Things are fine. I can live with that… right now. Time will come again when I will think that this is unbearable and I’d rather not live, and then spend another entire day unable to move, blah blah, but I’ll probably get a hold of myself again like it always happens. If I don’t, then I’ll be just another human that passed by this earth. It’s not that tragic, really.

So, yes, I’ve lost a big deal of experiences in this life due to depression. I’ve lost friends and family members to it, and it sucks. I’ve lost a big part of my own mind, and maybe became a bit more retarded than I used to be.

But I can’t fight it, because it has deeply infiltrated my every tissue. I can maybe just… lock it inside a capsule… and accept the fact that it’ll break free from time to time and lock me in instead.