Mayo

It is been almost a month since the last time I posted.   Opps.

My moods aren’t any better or any worse than they were before.  There is too much going on and I physically don’t have the energy to write out my thoughts in here.   From what I’ve read, many people in my blogroll aren’t doing well at all, and I think it’s horrible that anyone has to go through what they are going through.   I am doing fine, I say, forgetting that just today everything in my head was going down the toilet, and that I’ve been dissociating much more than before.   Having the strong feeling that if I keep walking past a cliff I’m just going to float or that the horse I’m riding can fly.  It doesn’t mean that I think any of this is actually going to happen, it just means that life doesn’t feel real at all.   We all experience something like that everynow and then, but I’m starting to think “well, when is it going to stop?”

I haven’t taken my meds in more than a month.  The anxiety has worsened but in general there doesn’t seem to be a significant difference in my moods and behaviour with or without the medication.  Same as crazy, baby.  During my life I’ve noticed that chemicals in general don’t do much on me, like caffeine or painkillers.  I have yet to find out if this is just an impression of mine or it is really possible that there’s something in my metabolism that is interfering.

It could all just be an impression.  I’m trying to analyze my own thoughts from the inside.  Sometimes I’m not very objective when it comes to myself.  But it’s me and a lot of people.  It’s just that I’m trying to be the patient and the doctor at the same time, seeing as there’s no “professional” than I can turn to.  I have people who care a lot about me and I love them, and I probably would be dead without them.  But definitely in this, I’m on my own.  And I have no clue.

I know I’ve been bad, not posting and all, but please say hi if you read this.

*waves*

Search Term of the year

“breasts hanging over objects“

 

WTF

Still alive, blog stuff and updates.

I’m really sorry for the lousy and infrequent updates of late.   I have been caught in “same old” depression.   Same old depression means that my life has been exquisitely boring, with lots of sleeping, walking in smelly clothes after not changing for several days, and random moments of anxiety and thoughts of doom.   My brain doesn’t produce anything too fast or too coherently, instead it’s all slow mumbo jumbo and the fear that I’m really retarded but nobody tells me about it because they’re too polite.  

So, coming here to write about it could be dangerous, yes, it could get so boring that the world could end.  You know, people could just stop living.  It happens.

Updates:

- I changed psychiatrists again.  Have yet to see the “new” guy, who is not really new as he was one of my teachers.  You know, there is always something really weird about being a patient of your teachers.  Something that keeps you from showing yourself too vulnerable or messed up in fear that they are still grading you.  

- I got a new medication called “Invega” or as the generic says “Paliperidone”.  It’s an atypical antipsychotic and it’s so new/rare that it’s not in my books and I never studied it when I had my psychiatry classes.  It’s so new/rare that the farmacy doesn’t have it either so I of course haven’t started taking it.

- I finished one of the 2 rotations I had left to graduate.  One to go.  They made the last one easy for me, they were considerate with my symptoms and my absences.  They allowed me to work on a theoretical project about social medicine instead of seeing hundreds of patients a day.  I still feel bad, like I didn’t do my job.  But really, I could use some graduation.  I could move on, decide what to do.  I won’t stop having depression just because I graduate, far from it.  But I predict I’ll feel a little less “stuck”.  And lets face it I’ve done most of the work required for it.  I’m not stupid, incompetent or irresponsible, like many others who HAVE graduated.  Yeah I know that’s not an argument.

- I may get a 6 day job working with Healing the Children.  The job is perfect because it’s short term, and it’s mostly working with records and organizing stuff when the doctors from the US and other countries come here to perform free surgeries on sick Colombian children.   I still don’t know if I got it or not.  The requisite was to speak English and to be a medical student.  Not many people in my faculty know English.  I hope I got it but at the same time I’m like “are you kidding me? you can’t do anything.”   That’s probably only my brain getting the kicks out of putting me down.

- The awesome Seaneen at The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive  mentioned this blog in one of her articles in the One in Four mag.  She got it right, I DO have a serious crush on the Joker.  Not sure about the rest *blush*, but I’m really flattered.  I have been reading Seaneen’s stuff for a while and I love the way she writes.  I’m not being polite, I love it.  You guys should also check the blogs in the list if you’re interested, they are all about mental health and they are all different.  There are patients, carers and family (who are also carers).  

The internet is pretty awesome, huh? Things like twitters and blogs make it feel as if you had access to people’s very thoughts.   Also, I suck at socializing, so without this tool, I’d be in the dark from a lot of different perspectives.  

- I’ve been playing lots of World of Warcraft.  I don’t pay a thing for it (shh).  It relaxes me.  I don’t know much about videogames but I really like this one.  I am also crazy about the Wii Fit, but there are no emulators for that… just imagine being able to excercise while you are playing, plus they have my favorite kind of excercises which are yoga-like and balancing.  

Just because they are my favorite kind, it doesn’t mean I DO it.  I don’t. I’m a full time sedentary.  I’m sitting on my arse right now, dangerously accumulating fat in my arms and tummy.  How fun is that!

- Speaking of fat, I made a chocolate cake, and it was delicious, so I made another one.  I suck at kitchen stuff so this is a major feat.

Am I finally exhaling atheism?

This morning I was sitting quietly on a chair at the reception of a tour agency waiting for my turn to get interviewed (long story).   There was another candidate in the chair in front of me.   Later a couple of women professing The Jehovah Witnesses came in with pamphlets.  I thought “oh no… here I go”, but then they limited to give a pamphlet to the other candidate and then said something about Jesus and left.  They didn’t even look at me.

Collecting

April Fools stuffs from the Web.

First of all, apparently Barak Obama is my cousin.  I logged into facebook and got this:

Sadly we don’t celebrate this day where I live, which means I’m pretty safe.   It’s all in the web.

Brain Bugs

When I created this blog, I didn’t intend it to be a journal on depression. I didn’t make any plans at all. I just wanted to have a mental record of a lot of things that don’t fit in my teeny tiny memory.

But reading the latest entries, I can see how everything spins around depression.   Boring.  Now, when I turn off the computer, things  don’t really change.  It’s not that I focus too much on feeling depressed, is that it’s all there is at the moment.

Right now I am very irritable, so much that every little sound pierces my skull, I can’t even stand the voices of my family, and rage builds up inside me when they decide to ask me what the hell is wrong.  Argh, people, just leave me the hell alone.  But at the same time, don’t go.

I’ve been sleeping most of the time, and this is weird even for me.  I’ve been sleeping over 16 hours a day without the help of any medication.  

The brain keeps going from one glitch to the other.

 

Random Happenings in Life

The teacher in charge of grading me for my work in the social medicine rotation has been extremelly patient but the month is almost over and I haven’t done anything.  I cannot see a moment when I’ll be able to, and then I panic when I think what my life will be like if I can never work.  O_O  This just can’t happen.

There’s no talking to people because I really have no patience for anyone out there.  No patience for their ignorance, their intolerance and their cheap advice.  I can’t deal with any of that now.  If I try, I would be rude with a lot of them, and I don’t want to.

Oh yes, the teacher I mentioned recommended me some practicioner who is especialized in alternative medicine.  Chinese stuff apparently.  I had to go because I really can’t say no to anything this person says because a lot in my “professional” life depends on what he has to say about me.  I think I have this unrealistic hope that someone will allow me to graduate because of everything I’ve done so far, and not care about the fact that I haven’t been able to complete the last 4 months.   (Like, oh yes, she’s so much better than a lot of people we’ve graduated from here, so what’s the harm?)

It would not cure my depression but at least I could rest a bit.  I could say “yes, I made it.  Even if I die right now I will have this one single acomplishment”.

Ah whatever.  It doesn’t really matter. It’s just one of those things you *think* is going to make you feel better but it probably won’t.   Now prepare for the rant to continue.

For the record, I don’t buy any of that alternative medicine crap.  It hasn’t shown to be better than placebo.  And it’s not that I dislike placebo.  I don’t.  I think placebo could help me, but in order for placebo to work I would have to be unaware that I’m being administered placebo in the first place.

Last Friday, the alternative medicine doc put some spiky things on my ears and gave me hypnotherapy.  During such hypnotherapy I seemed concentrated because I was trying my best not to laugh at the whole “new age” environment with the music and the bells.   For some reason, she has decided not to charge me in the 2 appointments i’ve had so far.  But she’s expecting me next week.  I’ll probably start rebelling against it the moment she starts charging, because that would give me an excuse to stop going there.  Plus, I’m actually broke.  So it would be more like a reason than just an excuse. 

Oh, my extended family has offered me to go see this “awesome person” in another city near here.  Probably more mumbo jumbo.  BUT I’m considering it.  The reason is that I’ve never been to that city before. It’s not too far and I think I could enjoy a trip… I’m just sad I don’t have my camera to record any of it.