And that is, the full moon, supposedly. I could have done it better drunk while using photoshop.
I have been trying to blog a little bit, using a new blog that is not really private and the first post is about coke so it’s rather obvious for anyone who knows anything about me. I just don’t feel so safe here anymore. It’s not really that I want to hide anything from anyone, I still don’t mind that. It’s just that the exposure this blog already has makes me feel like I am talking with a microphone, and it makes me feel inhibited and shy to say anything at all. These days I think more about the reactions of people than about what I really want to say. The result, a rubbish post with some sort of factual update about my life and no real insight.
I love the circle of blogs I still read and comment on occassionally. I believe I’m more self conscious about people from my “real life” that have access to this blog regardless or how much they care of if they ever read it. It’s my own fault anyway, I posted the link in my facebook.
So I guess this is it, in here. For now.
If you want to read more from me, you can discover me from my comments… or, drop me a quick email and I’ll reply with the new URL.
I don’t want to get rid of my blog, so that’s out of the question for now.
But I liked writing in here, and I don’t do it anymore. One big cause of my not blogging is the fact that I finally found someone, who is my best friend in the world. Never in my life I could have expected I would find someone like them. I didn’t think they existed, as I tend to be surrounded by sucky kind of people. I settled for previous friendships that brought me more suffering than joy because I thought that’s all I would ever get and I just had to get used to it.
Basically, I wrote a lot of things in this blog because I had no one to share them with. No one who truly understood, was sympathetic, and still loved me and didn’t seem to be just waiting for me to turn into someone else. Maybe loneliness fueled this blog and I was really waiting to fish someone.
However, there are reasons other than emotional vomiting for having this blog. For instance, English is only my second language and the internet is the only way I get to practice it. I read a lot and it helps but my writing can only get better if I keep doing it.
Also, I still have depression, and after the years, my predictions is that even if I find a treatment that improves my quality of life, it will probably won’t get rid of the illness. The chances of a definite cure get lower the longer this stays in me and the more treatments that fail. I still remember being diagnosed at 16 and thinking it was an inconvenience to have a depression episode lasting a whole year. I hate taking medication. I wouldn’t even take aspirins before that and just distracted myself from the ocassional headaches.
I still want to write about my progress or lack thereof. For example, lately, it’s been hell moodwise. I graduated from medical school. In my country, I can work as a GP. NOW. I could go outside and get a job now. Or can I?
It’s been bad. I’ve been homebound. The symptoms have increased after my graduation. One reason is that when I graduated I stopped having insurance (but I was already running cold turkey for at least two months before I lost it). Another reason is that, frustrating as it was, I had something clear to work towards. I needed to graduate. Now, it’s just life ahead of me. It’s work I cannot do at the moment. It’s being an adult with a degree still living at my parents. It’s days and days that go by when all the other GPs are learning new things about their profession and I’m not. Instead, I’m forgetting. I feel like a fraud. I can’t take care of myself much less of other people. I have so much but I feel unable to do anything with it. I’m completely unproductive for society at the moment. My biggest acomplishments are getting out of bed and, if it’s a good day, showering and getting dressed.
When I was 16, I thought by the time I turned 23, I would be starting to work in awesome science research projects, most likely abroad. I was so ambitious, I still am.
Tittle explained by the date of my next birthday.
As you must imagine, my imaginary reader, my blog traffic has decreased to the occasional bot, but this is just in case. Been debating whether to part entirely from my blog or to post the occasional thing. I suck at getting rid of things, so it seems like it’s going to be the latter. Thank you so much for saying hi in my last post and sorry it took me so long to say something about it. I did read your comments as soon as they were posted.
So it turns out that here, every year around August, it is tradition that people get or make kites in different colors and shapes and try to get them in the air. Seeing as July is ending, they’re selling them everywhere now. I noticed the rainbow parade on the sides of the streets just yesterday, with a confused look in my face as it seemed like it was only 3 or 4 months ago that I was planning to get my Kite Revenge. See, kites never really worked for me, even though every year in school they took us to open spaces with strong wind for that object. I saw little colored pieces floating in the air, while my small kite was usually tangled on my hair or up some power line. So last year I said, that’s it. Me and the wind have some unsolved business here and we’re going to finish it!
Yeah well, it never happened.
I just can’t believe it’s been that long. It’s almost August again. Time flew by. I remember years used to take ages. - it sucks trying to describe objective measurements of time using relative measurements of time, but you all know what I mean. The earth is so obviously spinning faster around the sun.
My brain constantly flips between feeling too old and too young. Sometimes it’s both at the same time. In general, I’ve aged about a decade in the past 2 years. One sign of that is how I used to feel like I could relate only to those my age or slightly younger and I thought someone 5 years older than me could be my parent. I always defined myself as being mentally younger than my chronological age, not in intelligence, knowledge, or even maturity. It was just that in my brain, I was still a child. Peter Pan complex if you will. Now, all of you older than me will probably recognize this and be like “aww, so cute”, and I guess it could be normal that I finally feel like an adult almost 3 years after I stopped being a teenager. But it’s more than that. I feel ancient.
I’m graduating next week. *does the I’m- going- to- be- a- doctor- at- least- in- paper dance*
Took me 2 years to do a 1 year internship because of constant mental health related interruptions. I had a 6 months break in 2005 for the same reasons, so technically, I was supposed to graduate 1 year and a half ago. This should be overlooked after noting that I started my medical education when I was 15 so I could more than afford this delay. I mean, I could have taken constant breaks to take trips around the world, get drunk every night for months at the time and have lots of sex in between and still have graduated at a decent age for society’s expectations. But nah, that’s just not me. My idea of fun is to spend my time in pjs struggling to put a foot out of my bed, having panic attacks, dreaming about death and going to several psychiatrists and eating medication like candy – just to train my self on how patients feel of course.
Graduation comes with a bittersweet flavor as none of that is in the past. I completed a cycle but there’s no relief or hope in it, just the realization that one year and a half is not all I’m going to lose. I’m not able to work right now. Will I ever be? This is a very disgusting kind of uncertainty. And I imagine myself being 80 years old, looking back and thinking “Why did I do all of this for? I could have given up at age 22 and spared myself from all these lost years. It’s been downhill since anyway.”
It is been almost a month since the last time I posted. Opps.
My moods aren’t any better or any worse than they were before. There is too much going on and I physically don’t have the energy to write out my thoughts in here. From what I’ve read, many people in my blogroll aren’t doing well at all, and I think it’s horrible that anyone has to go through what they are going through. I am doing fine, I say, forgetting that just today everything in my head was going down the toilet, and that I’ve been dissociating much more than before. Having the strong feeling that if I keep walking past a cliff I’m just going to float or that the horse I’m riding can fly. It doesn’t mean that I think any of this is actually going to happen, it just means that life doesn’t feel real at all. We all experience something like that everynow and then, but I’m starting to think “well, when is it going to stop?”
I haven’t taken my meds in more than a month. The anxiety has worsened but in general there doesn’t seem to be a significant difference in my moods and behaviour with or without the medication. Same as crazy, baby. During my life I’ve noticed that chemicals in general don’t do much on me, like caffeine or painkillers. I have yet to find out if this is just an impression of mine or it is really possible that there’s something in my metabolism that is interfering.
It could all just be an impression. I’m trying to analyze my own thoughts from the inside. Sometimes I’m not very objective when it comes to myself. But it’s me and a lot of people. It’s just that I’m trying to be the patient and the doctor at the same time, seeing as there’s no “professional” than I can turn to. I have people who care a lot about me and I love them, and I probably would be dead without them. But definitely in this, I’m on my own. And I have no clue.
I know I’ve been bad, not posting and all, but please say hi if you read this.
“breasts hanging over objects“
I’m really sorry for the lousy and infrequent updates of late. I have been caught in “same old” depression. Same old depression means that my life has been exquisitely boring, with lots of sleeping, walking in smelly clothes after not changing for several days, and random moments of anxiety and thoughts of doom. My brain doesn’t produce anything too fast or too coherently, instead it’s all slow mumbo jumbo and the fear that I’m really retarded but nobody tells me about it because they’re too polite.
So, coming here to write about it could be dangerous, yes, it could get so boring that the world could end. You know, people could just stop living. It happens.
- I changed psychiatrists again. Have yet to see the “new” guy, who is not really new as he was one of my teachers. You know, there is always something really weird about being a patient of your teachers. Something that keeps you from showing yourself too vulnerable or messed up in fear that they are still grading you.
- I got a new medication called “Invega” or as the generic says “Paliperidone”. It’s an atypical antipsychotic and it’s so new/rare that it’s not in my books and I never studied it when I had my psychiatry classes. It’s so new/rare that the farmacy doesn’t have it either so I of course haven’t started taking it.
- I finished one of the 2 rotations I had left to graduate. One to go. They made the last one easy for me, they were considerate with my symptoms and my absences. They allowed me to work on a theoretical project about social medicine instead of seeing hundreds of patients a day. I still feel bad, like I didn’t do my job. But really, I could use some graduation. I could move on, decide what to do. I won’t stop having depression just because I graduate, far from it. But I predict I’ll feel a little less “stuck”. And lets face it I’ve done most of the work required for it. I’m not stupid, incompetent or irresponsible, like many others who HAVE graduated. Yeah I know that’s not an argument.
- I may get a 6 day job working with Healing the Children. The job is perfect because it’s short term, and it’s mostly working with records and organizing stuff when the doctors from the US and other countries come here to perform free surgeries on sick Colombian children. I still don’t know if I got it or not. The requisite was to speak English and to be a medical student. Not many people in my faculty know English. I hope I got it but at the same time I’m like “are you kidding me? you can’t do anything.” That’s probably only my brain getting the kicks out of putting me down.
- The awesome Seaneen at The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive mentioned this blog in one of her articles in the One in Four mag. She got it right, I DO have a serious crush on the Joker. Not sure about the rest *blush*, but I’m really flattered. I have been reading Seaneen’s stuff for a while and I love the way she writes. I’m not being polite, I love it. You guys should also check the blogs in the list if you’re interested, they are all about mental health and they are all different. There are patients, carers and family (who are also carers).
The internet is pretty awesome, huh? Things like twitters and blogs make it feel as if you had access to people’s very thoughts. Also, I suck at socializing, so without this tool, I’d be in the dark from a lot of different perspectives.
- I’ve been playing lots of World of Warcraft. I don’t pay a thing for it (shh). It relaxes me. I don’t know much about videogames but I really like this one. I am also crazy about the Wii Fit, but there are no emulators for that… just imagine being able to excercise while you are playing, plus they have my favorite kind of excercises which are yoga-like and balancing.
Just because they are my favorite kind, it doesn’t mean I DO it. I don’t. I’m a full time sedentary. I’m sitting on my arse right now, dangerously accumulating fat in my arms and tummy. How fun is that!
- Speaking of fat, I made a chocolate cake, and it was delicious, so I made another one. I suck at kitchen stuff so this is a major feat.